From every rolled eye to every smirky look, we all know your wishes, Jessa. We see you laugh awkwardly and say things like “I’m just practical” when dull Ben lurches towards you with his flabby attempts at romance. We remember. So let’s ask ourselves, what are your options. I offer a few:
1. Leave him at the altar: It might be painful for Ben but really, if you ran away in your wedding dress like a primped Christian Julia Roberts with better contouring abilities, it’s likely you would get one of those spin offs, where they’d send you to the big city to get drunk and carouse and discover things about yourself, like that you enjoy beer funneling. The only thing that TLC loves more than really religious people are former religious people getting drunk and laid. Poor old depressed Ben maybe would follow you in a vain hope of winning you back before he discovered that he secretly loves your much duller new best friend.
2. Marry him and move to the big city: Okay, so you can hope that maybe since Ben is basically the emotional equivalent of lawn furniture, maybe marrying won’t feel that much different than being single, except occasionally having to humor Ben’s romantic gestures. It’s easy to outsmart him. Or scare him. Use that smirk. My suggestion is that you move to the nearest large city, enroll yourself in cosmotology school and bequeath your gifts onto the world. Everyone needs to benefit from your Duggar hair skills. Or your expert eyeliner abilities. Then you can fully transform to your final form. Imagine if Nina Garcia and Tabatha Coffey had a baby and had her in the south. That would be you.
3. Marry him, stay close to home, have a dozen kids and allow your soul slowly wither to a nub: Sure, maybe you have convinced yourself that Ben is an amazing guy. I mean, he says all the right things about Jesus and Santorum and all those right wing things that your dad loves so much. And you swallow your pride and fight your tears and slowly become Michelle Duggar, whispering your rage and remembering the days when your hatred was not stifled by the everpresent expectations of Christian womanhood. Anger needs to fly free, like your hair on the April breezes. (fuck, I bet there are no April breezes in Arkansas. Scratch that. Let me try again). It needs to fly free like when the humidity overwhelms your luxurious hair during the late July afternoons. And if you don’t nurture and care for your smirky resentment, it’ll die, like tears in the rain. So if you are going to give up your anger, for God’s sake Jessa, give that smirk a good home. Jennifer or Josie could really use it. It’ll sustain them through their many travails that lay before them. Or maybe, if all goes well, Jana will capture it for herself, smirking triumphantly as she runs out the backdoor into the night to conquer the world.
(And read all of our Duggar coverage both now and this fall, with the new season)