An amuse-bouche of commentary
An amuse-bouche of commentary
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Duggar Recap: Duggar-Sized Wedding Plans

Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Duggar-Sized Wedding Plans

Sorry! I’m a bit behind. This is the 2nd episode that played last week (9/9/14). Then I will catch up on this week’s episode. PROMISE. I mean, there is just so much Duggaring. And redundancy. They aren’t even working to fit in any reasonable side-plots. Just all about courtships and engagement and shit. Poor Jordyn. Her life has been nothing but a long slow ride into irrelevance.

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So, let’s join Jill, who is now in her 2nd trimester with the tiny Dillard. By the way, you can buy gifts off of her registry. Here is her registry on amazon, where you can purchase a baby tuxedo bib for those formal occasions. It must be a boy. It’s never too early to establish gender norms. I mean, they are making him do push ups and repress his feelings in the womb. Also Walmart, where you can buy snacks and other assorted things. It’s an homage to me.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Duggar-Sized Wedding Plans

Josie plans to give “Baby Dilly” a freshly killed muskrat. Jana will give a gift of despair. Jennifer the eternal gift of cynicism. And Jinger? Jinger will pray that they will spare the child the pain they have caused her. The name. Ugh. There are so many names available. They don’t have a child named JOAN or JOANN but they have one named Jinger. Jesus Christ. But anyway, buy Jill’s kid some nice shit off of walmart or wherever they shop for their republican wares.

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Let’s start our show.

So Jill introduces herself as being engaged to Derick Dillard. In case you missed that. Btw, they also do courtships, where they don’t kiss or even hold hands until engagement. And Michelle is excited about this new season in her life. Yes, just in case you have never possibly heard the remotest thing about these Duggars ever and somehow missed the incessant media blitz. God. Endless exposition.

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Anyway, Jill is overwhelmed by the wedding that she is throwing for 1000 people in two and half months and they have never even done any cake testing. Not even that. I don’t know if you have ever been part of someone’s wedding plan but that seemed really far down on the stressful events barometer. However, James will likely have a few shots in there where he will be like, “I’m the guy who likes cake!” And Jana will stare into the middle distance.

So there is Michelle being like “this is our first daughter getting married so this will be a big event”, so the rest of you jerky kids better lower your expectations. And Josh and Anna, well, no screen time for you. And for America, thanks to all this courting, there is like no need for Amy Duggar anymore. Cousin Oliver is gone. Huzzah!

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Duggar-Sized Wedding Plans

Jill and Derick, along with Jessa (the chaperone) is visiting Amanda Katz, a friend of Jill, who has also been a client. Jill helped deliver two of Amanda’s children and Amanda has offered to bake the cake for their wedding. That way they can dodge the bullet of something like the travesty of that weird half-chocolate and half-vanilla cake that Anna and Amy made for Michael’s first birthday. Never forget. And so as a result, they are over at Amanda’s to start cake testing and it’ll be interesting to see how much Derick can express enthusiasm without front hugs.

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And now they are cake tasting for the very first time! Wait until they start banging!

They are passionately holding hands with Michelle explaining that they can do it because they are engaged. Those wacky kids. Jessa is smiling wanly, thinking about Ben’s old meaty gloves nervously groping hers. Oh boy. Sounds like fun. But they still have a chaperone to make sure they don’t just spontaneously decide to have oral sex while at their friend’s house because all of us sinners know how that is.

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Amanda brings over a small pound (cake) with four fillings. (snerk) The first is strawberry.

Derick is like “this is the most fun part of planning a wedding because you get to eat cake. You just eat cake” and Jill giggles and thinks, “the witty banter. The endless witty banter.” Someone needs to give those kids an education in banter. And then Amanda is like “the brides are always like ‘i have to fit in my dress’” and makes an eating motion. Careful girls! Don’t get to comfortable eating those cakes. Jill laughs and turns to Jessa and tells her she should worry about fitting in HER dress. Ha! Shade! All such a delightfully passive aggressive scene. So much for loving the girl in the mirror.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Duggar-Sized Wedding Plans

Ugh, as soon as Jill tells Jessa that she should worry about gaining weight and Jessa is probably just rolling her eyes along with all of America, they cut away to explaining that Jessa is in a courtship with Ben Seewald, the dullest man in America.

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Who are they explaining this to? Three year olds? The relentless re-explaining of the damned courtships and meanwhile like a good 40% of the Duggars are just vaguely potato shaped pre-teens, whose personalities have been barely differentiated on the show. But I guess this is how the Duggar sausage gets made. So who am I to interfere with the process?

Then they try a traditional white with a raspberry filling, pure and virginal unlike sweaty Ben’s thoughts or Jill and Derick’s stolen front hug. Then they have a French Vanilla with a Vanilla Custard and Jill is all like intrigued, though deep in her mind, she worries and wonders she should call it Vanilla Freedom cake, just in case.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Duggar-Sized Wedding Plans

Jessa smirks and is all like “I’m not going to have a wedding cake because I’m un-traditional like that” and “I’m going to have ice cream. Ice cream all around.” And she smiles at Ben’s future tears as he discovers that there will be no cake tasting. Ben will be all like “But that’s where I shine! Eating cake. Making awkward jokes.” And Jessa just laughs and laughs.

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Then they have the final cake. A golden butter. Derick says, “I like butter” and everyone laughs, continuing to prove that the comedy bar in the Duggar household is set very low.

Derick explained that they liked a couple different types of cake but he didn’t really like anything in particular, seeming to sense that the time where his opinion mattered will come to an end, now that he is under Jim-Bob’s purview. They settled on a french vanilla cake with strawberry filling with off-white butter cream frosting and flowers. They’ll have like four cakes, the largest being 16 inch round and meaning the vast majority of guests get no cake. HA! Maybe Jessa should take Ben’s cake away, so he gets used to going cake-less! That’ll learn him.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Duggar-Sized Wedding Plans

So now we cut to Anna Duggar and her kids for an exciting crafting sub-plot. It’s a bit of a surprise because anything outside the blindingly brilliant march of the Duggar courtship seems almost incidental at this point. But I guess they are like, “Better cover our bases. Crafting! Is genius!” They are back in DC and Anna is all like ready to home-school. Mackynzie is doing homeschool as a 4 year old—so it’s not like ‘official’ but she is getting a head-start. Michael and Marcus are doing what most Duggar boys are doing—avoiding work in the hopes that some woman will come by and do it for them.

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Anyway, she’s making something called a “paving stone,” which is a block that you make yourself and decorate and can play with and whatever. You start by pouring water into the bottom of the bucket, presumably with the stone compound. Mackynzie helpfully reminds Michael not to eat it, even though it looks like cookie dough because it’s not cookie dough (if Derick said that—everyone would laugh and laugh. Such a low comedy bar). Marcus is all upset and confused thinking, “Why the fuck am I doing crafts? I’m a fucking baby.” And there is a pile of stone on the floor. Damnit Marcus. No decoupage for you.

And now back to the main event. Michelle is going with Jill and they are totally going venue shopping. Michelle is good at managing large groups and thinking about what spaces they’ll be able to fit. Snerk. No uterus jokes. OK. The first venue is Magnolia Gardens. They are looking for something that “looks nice” and is “big enough” and somewhere where they can have everything in one place. Apparently there is a koi pond and Derick is all like, “Can we go fishing?” Haha. He’s a card, like Jim-Bob. They can only accommodate 300. And you get wacky music. OOPS. This is a wedding venue for muggles. Not supersize Duggars.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Duggar-Sized Wedding Plans

Now back for more crafting. McKeynzie and Michael are all talking about their artistic process, like the use of their handprints as well as stickers and rocks. McKenynzie says that she is evoking the dissolution of the existing political order, much like the Dadaists did after WWI, while Michael is thoroughly interested in playing with negative space. Marcus just thinks, “Why the fuck are you asking me about crafts? I’m a baby.”

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Mckenynzie’s hand was dirty and she seemed kind of freaked out. Like she had to wait for a paper towel and was like “Hurry up” and then Anna chirpily talked about how fun it was for her kids to get their hands dirty because, well, lol, lack of empathy.

Now back to Jill and Derick and the Springdale Country Club. Jill is like “this is nice and it may be bigger” but an ominous voice-over from Michelle speaks to budget concerns. The ever-present budget concerns, even for the alpha Duggar. Maybe the guest would love a nice tater-tot casserole! They are always thrifty. Buy used and save the difference! Now Jill “ironically” (in the purely Alanis Morrissette sense) had set the wedding budget, even before discussing it with her parents but still, wanted to go to the expensive venue. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is a Goldilocks and the Three Bears type of scenario where the first place is TOO SMALL and the second is TOO EXPENSIVE and the third will be JUST RIGHT. And then Derick will be like “I like porridge” and everyone will laugh and laugh and laugh.

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Everyone is totally impressed by the golf course. Michelle thinks its too fancy for the Duggars who are more like “barefoot and backyard type of people.”

Cut to a second subplot. Everyone has been looking at boxcar derby cars on-line and now they are ready to party! How many story lines can they fit in? How’s cousin Amy doing?

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Well, looks like someone understands their place in the new Duggar reality.

Anyway, back to the boxcar derby. Johannah is confused about the whole “derby” idea, saying that it sounds like “soapbox DIRTY car,” solid logic that even Jackson can’t refute. But they are ready to have a race! The guys will be the leaders of each group and then they’ll compete. Look, the girls just have to do all the housework and raise the children. But the boys? In charge of jokes, soapbox derby and napping. Oh and then Jim-Bob is their supreme unquestioned leader.

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Then they have their first race! To see who can finish first! But then they discover that they don’t have any wheels. Yes, for real, they realized that there are no wheels included so this whole soapbox derby subplot is based on the idea that they cannot possibly ride these cars anytime soon but still, the show presses on! God, the Duggars must not have ANYTHING else going on right now.

Back to the drawing board. What a great subplot. James is just like “this is bullshit” and he’s totally hungry. He also hates building the car. It’s like work. So dull.

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I mean, you’d think they’d have to do shit like math or other homeschooling task but then you remember that they are the Duggars. They don’t need book-learning. Also, they rely heavily on the whole “A Beka” home-school curriculum, which is affiliated with Bob Jones University (for those sinners who go away for schooling) and basically, with that curriculum, you don’t read books, you just read excerpts and handouts which contain nothing that could possibly interfere with a fundamentalist Christian world-view. I mean, once you read the entirety of Johnny Tremain or something, sinning is BOUND to happen so it’s just best to keep it simple and easy breezy.

So anyway, Joseph’s psyched because his team kicks ass. He has Jason and Johanna and they are like totally rocking this shit out. Jeremiah is also pleased at Justin and James just doing all the work (even though we all know how displeased and hungry James is). Jedidiah was complaining about Jackson and Jennifer on his team because Jackson is too distractable. Jennifer is merely overcome by Weltschmerz though she understands how someone as prosaic as Jedidiah might not understand her deep existential pain. They cut to Jackson sitting around and eating and shit. Jim Bob stepped in to help him with his wheel-less box car.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Duggar-Sized Wedding Plans

And now Jason is talking about how they are putting these carts together like “crazy cats” (ie motherfuckers) and Jim discovered an extra part. It’s a total disaster. GOD. But even if they put it together correctly, THEY CAN’T RIDE THEM. What are they trying to do? WHAT IS THE POINT? Is this some kind of parable or life lesson? Will they go and beat Josh again? WHY? WHAT?

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Now one of the kids (Jason) declare the soapbox derby contest to be a disaster. LIKE JIM BOB’S POLITICAL CAREER (haha, TOPICAL!). And Johannah is like “does it matter?”

Oh Johannah. Proust once said, “we are healed by suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” Now you understand the meaning of the phrase or you would if you were allowed to read books. And weren’t like 8.

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Anyway, Joseph came in and fixed everything and won the contest and now they had a bunch of wheel-less derby cars that they can’t ride. What a great story guys. Can’t wait for the next installment!

Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Duggar-Sized Wedding Plans
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Now back to venue planning. And here we are at the Cross Church in Springdale, which will be just right if I know narrative structure. And apparently that’s where Michelle and Jim were married. This smacks of inevitability. Plus it holds a crap-load of people. It’ll be “very sweet’ according to Michelle and their marriage in 1984 because they used to attend church there, back when they were young and willing to do things outside their house.

And they go out to a nice concrete area, which is large and in charge and it looks like the right fit. And YES, they confirm that it is Cross Church, as if there was any question and as if they didn’t want to do the search for the sake of having a plot for this particular television episode. Gotta pump this sucker for all it’s worth.

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Ok, my Duggaring hand is exhausted. Enjoy the recap. More soon. I gotta catch up. I gotta.

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