An amuse-bouche of commentary
An amuse-bouche of commentary
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Duggar Recap: Jill's Wedding (COMPLETE!)

Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)

So, I’m going to confess that I am distinctly out of order with my Duggaring. I have Jill Says Yes to the Dress, Duggar To Dos, Duggar Girls Go Glam, Duggar Derby (shudder), Jessa’s engagement (double shudder) and finally “Dishing with the Duggar” (where they all admit that they don’t like tater tot casseroles that much—kind of like my relationship with Pancakes) all on my DVR ready to go. But I’ve been busy. I have to write for my regular life ambitions and shit like that. However, I realized, if nothing else, for Socialworkgirl—I need to persevere. So I am starting out at the pinnacle of Duggaring. The marriage of the real golden child to her awkward smiling beau. Jill and Derick: Front Hugs forever.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)

Speaking of such, apparently Jill has some advice for her sister:

“Jessa and I shared a lot with us being in relationships and us getting married, and now they are following along. We have great examples in our parents that love doesn’t have to end. Spend lots of time together and remember, the honeymoon doesn’t have to end.”

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Even after you realize that you married Ben Seewald.

Anyway, let’s get started!

So just in case you’ve been under a rock for the last few weeks (like some of you might have suspected I have been) THERE IS A DUGGAR WEDDING. Jill and her modified side pony is excitedly talking about how it’s TAKING FOREVER to be here. And then we cut to Sierra Dominguez, their wedding planner, saying the exact same thing, except she has a clip board (look at her dips and pinterest page!).

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Ok, so we’re in the church and there is a “Wedding Volunteer Meeting” where Sierra is telling quite a few people in causal wear that she “can’t pull this off by herself.” Apparently, these Duggars are good at getting free labor and not from Joy Anna and her lost childhood.

Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)
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This is all happening while Michelle and Jim Bob talk sadly about the loss of their first daughter about raising and investing and how amazing this all is. Plus exposition. Endless exposition. Just so we understand. She’s the first daughter to be married. The first. The absolute first. And let’s be honest, they are just thinking—ESPECIALLY JIM— that they need Jill so much more than they EVER needed Josh. And Jana’s fate becomes so much more sealed.

Now back to Sierra, telling everyone that Jill knows how many people showed up for this meeting (over 200) and was “flabbergasted”—BUT NOT FLABBERGASTED ENOUGH TO STOP BY. They break up and begin to sign up for their crew sheets. They are like little Duggars, with their jurisdictions and getting to work, while random Duggars do what they do best and talk about how hard this is all to believe.

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They are broken out in various arrays of Duggars. Josh by himself (naturally), Jana and Joy Anna, Jackson and Johannah all saying the same stuff. “It’s all so hard to believe they are getting married” while their volunteers do all the work. And then they have the story of Jill and Derick and how Jim Bob introduced them And they spent a lot of time together and then a montage of the engagement. Read the recaps. I don’t need to write this shit twice.

Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)
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Now, they are describing the theme of the wedding. It’s “vintage and shabby chic” and Derrick is like “Vintage is like just buying a lot of old stuff.” And Jill laughs. She has low standards and is just thinking about those hot side hugs anyway.

Some of the Duggars decided to show up for the rehearsal. Sadly, Derrick’s mother’s chemotherapy has exhausted her to the point that she is unable to come to the rehearsal dinner. They are unsure if she can go to the wedding because she became much sicker the previous week.

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They go back to inane Duggar questioning afterwards—”What are you most looking forward tomorrow?” Jill: (laugh) “Being married.” Derick:”Look forward to having sweetest girl in the world as my wife.” Jill: “Stealing his last name.” (heheh)

Hahaha. Jessa is smirking somewhere off into the distance. I can just feel her.

Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)
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The wedding party assembles, including Derick’s slightly hairier brother (whose girlfriend wears pants), his college friends, a cousin and then a couple of Duggar brothers. For real. The Duggars are like “WHAT IS THIS MADNESS OF NON-RELATED GROOMSPEOPLE? THESE MEN FROM ACCREDITED UNIVERSITIES?”

I think it’s the work of Satan.

Jill, on the other hand, as a proper daughter of God, only has people she’s related to in her wedding party. Jana, her maid of honor or rather, Jana and her infinite sadness. Jessa, Johannah, Joy Anna, Jinger and Anna as well, being on stage, often with unrelated men. A scandal to be sure.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)

This show has a lot of filler. More filler than a tater tot casserole. Now Jinger and Jessa are talking about Jim Bob crying about the wedding (HIS JILL. HIS PRECIOUS JILL. Probably not many tears over Jessa and her horrible cooking). Feelings and feelings. And then Anna says that she has never seen Jim Bob cry “SO MUCH” and Josh was all like, “When I got married, Dad was all like ‘See ya later!’”

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I don’t agree with Jim Bob much but I’d be totally like “SEE YOU LATER.”

Then Joy Anna is like “He’ll be just as sad as the rest of us leave as he has less and less daughters”

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No he won’t. Oh Joy Anna. It’s JILL. JILL. Jessa might be the beauty but Jill is the genius Jesus child. But anyway, Joy Anna is sitting with Jana, who is probably thinking, “Leaving would be nice. It would be so very nice.” If not for nothing, Jana is probably anticipating sharing a room with just the little girls, bored and in her 30s, as Josie gnaws at her leg.

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Now back to Jill and her hair talking about their reception and how they’ll provide mostly just snack food and then root beer floats. Because they are Duggars. Oh those Duggars. Buy used and save the difference. It’s a budget wedding. Between this and the volunteers and likely the corporate sponsorship, I’ll bet this mega-wedding costs them maybe a buck, a buck fifty. The root beer floats were Jill’s request but other than that, likely most of the food probably came out of the old canned food section of the Duggar pantry, so look forward to those individual Vienna Sausages (cut up to avoid phallic imagery and unChristian like thoughts) and Chef Boy R Dee Ravolis on a stick. As volunteers put scoops of ice cream in plastic cups, Jim Bob talks about his hope that all of his daughters go cheap cheap cheap.

And somewhere Jessa is smirking and thinking about her eyeliner budget, while the last spark dies in Jana’s eyes.

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Jill has decided to go barefoot for her wedding, mostly because she couldn’t find the right festive wedding flip flop. And she jokes “I’m barefoot and pregnant. Ok not yet.” And they laugh and we’re all so uncomfortable. Say good bye to your uterus, Jill. It’s now in the hands of JESUS. And they talk about “wanting as many children as God wants them.”

Maybe God wants you to consider the pill? Maybe?

Then there is more planning and then inevitable, Jessa and Ben discussion about how they aren’t engaged but it’ll happen soon, as Jessa feigns enthusiasm about their impending nuptials.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)

But no matter, back to the main event, Jim Bob practices giving his precious Jill away. Her and her superior cooking skills and willingness to have conversations. And the little girls are hanging out with trays and shit nearby and everyone looks very bored except for Jim Bob who is all like “I am allowed to announce who is to kiss the bride.” He uses the wedding as an opportunity to remind Jill that he’s hers FOR AT LEAST ONE DAY.

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And then the whole fucking winsome reminder that they are saving their kiss for the wedding day—too share it with the world (HA! Jessa thought THAT was bullshit for real). Apparently, younger inlaws wanted to suggest ways that they can practice kissing (on grapefruit? In the pantry? They are nonspecific) before the wedding day and they were both like “NO, that defeats the purpose” and “the point.” They don’t want to get close to kissing. Because things. So Jim Bob kissed the bride so SUCK IT DERRICK. ONE DAY!

And then Jim Bob cries. Michelle is like “That’s cool. She’ll have the same initials” but Jim Bob is a mess. An absolute mess.

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Then there is more planning with Sierra and the volunteers looking at the food. All the ice cream melted for the Root beer floats. Someone propped the door open. Shenanigans. There is no plan B. Will the ice cream refreeze? Maybe this will require SCIENCE? Or perhaps they will pray for the ice cream to become hard. Why is Josie laughing in the corner, with a stray bird in her mouth laughing? STAY TUNED.

Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)
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Now it is time for the very large rehearsal dinner, including the planners and the family, where they will be eating delicious barbeque. What’s sad is that Derick’s mom and stepdad are hosting the event but his mom is far too sick to attend the event. Michelle announces that they are the hosts with Derick reflecting that he wants her to preserve her strength for the wedding day. Derick prays for her in front of the entire room, not only showing his devotion to his mother but a bit, it seems as if it is him taking leadership as the head of their family. Then Josh ruins it by trying to be philosophical about life and shit. Blah.

But food. They are having brisket, a recipe from Derick’s dad who died while Derick was in college and he wanted to incorporate his father into the wedding. Now for testimonials from the various Duggars so they can get to know each other. OH HUZZAH.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)

Josh starts out talking how Michelle used to call her “Sweet Jilly Muffin” but she was the one who made them “realize they could have 19 children” because she’s perfect. PERFECT. Not Jana. Sad old Jana. Or potato head John David. And especially not mean Jessa. But Jill. Lovely Jelly Muffin Jill. We all know. Derick knows. And Jill especially knows.

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Derick’s brother stands up and he’s like a slightly more awkward version of his brother, laughing nervously, with his brother’s gift for humor. He talks about how he and his brother “go way back” and said he met Jill before Derick did. They met at their mother’s office (because their mother is a heathen employed woman) and his brother, Dan told him that he checked her out and “I approved.” And everyone laughed and Jill thought it was so cute. Dan was very appreciative of everything but both Derick and Dan were sad about his mom being in the hospital with the marriage and everything. I can’t snark about it because it’s so poignant.

But NOW THAT MICHELLE IS UP THERE, THE JUDGEMENT CAN FLY!. So Michelle is rambling on something about Josh and Anna getting engaged and it being reenacted by the little kids. And now the little kids are reenacting the engagement with Johannah and Jackson playing Jill and Derick, including a lip sync from Jebediah or one of those random middle brothers of the song that Jill sang.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)

They flash to Jessa who just looks appalled but fierce with her eye liner being typically on point.

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Then back to the weird video. There is a funny moment where Jackson is like “Will you marry me?” And Johannah was like “Totally.” And then they all laugh. This is what happens when you don’t drink booze.

More reflecting on how they are getting married tomorrow. FRONT HUG FRONT HUG FRONT HUG FROOOOONT HUUUUUUG.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)

Now back with more people talking about Derick and Jill. UGH. Jana is like “Derick is that steadying influence that balances Jill out.” JILL DOESN’T NEED BALANCING OUT. I suspect that Jana has been reading from the Big Book of Duggar Cliches that they use for the endless talking heads. Then Jordyn and Josie are like “HE’S FUNNY AND NICE” and Jennifer is smoking a cigarette offstage, reading Sartre and thinking “Hell is other people and side hugs.” More cliches. John David and Josiah are all like “We’ll put him to work! To the fleet!”

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)
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But now to primping and shit. The Duggar girls are curling their hair with their many curling irons and bottles of Aussie Hairspray. This is Jessa’s element. She is showing everyone the arrangements of the clothes, flitting around while everyone grooms herself and applies blush. Sweet blush. This is Jessa’s destiny. This is where she lives. Then Jim Bob talks about crying and shit. Oh for fuck sake’s Jim Bob, hold yourself together.

Derick and Jill are hand in hand which is like making out to them and are going to their morning devotionals. They are laughing at their non-jokes and they talk about how they decided to spend the day together, rather than adhere to that old fashioned idea that Brides can’t see the groom before the wedding. Jill is stressed and she needs some side hugging. Jana makes a brief feeble imitation of Jill talking about “Mixing things up” but damn, she knows she’s out of her element. They need Jessa to give her special brand of smirky judgment at Jill needing Derick to be with her, while possibly crying inside because she’s marrying Ben. DUMB OLD BEN.

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Then Derick goes and hangs out with the groomsmen, who are probably playing Christian candy crush and shit on their cell phones.

More music and decorating and shit. 5 1/2 hours away from the wedding Sierra! And the ice cream has frozen! SCIENCE! But it looks gross. Not science. And now they have to rescoop all their root beer floats! ANARCHY!

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)

Ok! Next up are all the ladies talking about how there are like 70 gallons of pickles at the Wedding, because that’s kind of a Duggar Thing. Jill announces that they are planning for possibly 3000 people, which may be overkill but HEY! It’s a Duggarnaut! I’m gonna guess that 95% are on Jill’s side.

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Jim Bob says that he doesn’t think that most of the girls will have “quite as many” but thinks they will all be large. I mean, Josiah’s graduation had like a thousand people. They like to say they are big party people and sure, if by big party people, you mean, they want to convert everyone to their right-wing religion.

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Jessa, however, doesn’t want a big wedding. I bet she’d be happy if even Ben stayed away .

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Ok, so they are serving up 1500 cupcakes and 50 batches of popcorn. MacKenzie said that there were hundreds and hundreds and hundred and she can’t even count them. I bet neither can John David because something something about the Duggar education.

Now Jill and Derick are going to do their devotional and go call Derick’s mom. Of course, they have to bring a chaperone. Of course. Of course. They are so close to the finish line! It’s Joy Anna. Oh awkwardness. Then Jim Bob makes it SO MUCH WORSE, when he’s like “After today, no more chaperones....you’ll be joined at the mouth.” UGH. Jim Bob, you walking gummy eraser. Why do you say things like that? Then Jim Bob talked about how Jill and Derick came up with their own standards, as if Jill could say to her dad, “Oh yeah, we just want to french a little before we’re married” and that’d be ok. AS IF. But ok, for the audience, let’s go with this whole “non-coercive idea.”

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)

Jill and Derick calls Derick’s mom to see if she can attend and she was getting ready to head over to the wedding, so that was a very positive thing for Derick, who otherwise, would have no parent at the wedding. Then they started to pray and such. I don’t know where Joy Anna was. Maybe playing Pokemon in the corner or something, trying to pretend she’s not in the room.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)

Ok, so now Jill is shaving Derick, which is kind of erotic, like that magazine where KD Lang shaved Cindy Crawford. Sort of. I think she does it because she’s just dying to have her hands on Derick and grooming each other is so primal. Laugh it up Jill and act like you don’t want him to mess his face up but yeah, we all know this stuff. I guess Jessa does the same thing for Ben too. And both couples are likely to have awkward sex.

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So now back to the respective bridal and groomsmen suites. For Team Duggar, the girls are focusing on looking fierce, which is all about contouring, Christian pouting, using the right curling iron and a shit load of Aussie Hair Spray. Well except for Michelle and Jim Bob—with Jim and his Little People plasticene hair and Michelle with her crunchy perm, they are kicking it old school. Jim Bob sat admiring how modest Michelle’s dress was, which was this grey layered confection of a dress that she noted that she got on the clearance rack. YAY!

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And now to the Groom’s room, where Jackson is following Derick around and totally freaking him out. He’s like “Are you nervous because you are gonna kiss her?” and he doesn’t stop even thought Derick tells him he’s making him self conscious. Johannah notes that “even the word kiss is awkward” and while Jackson disagrees, he does think the act is awkward and would like to repeatedly tell Derick before he gets up in front of 3000 people to kiss Jill. So to distract him, Derick and Jill start passing back and forth lovey dovey notes between each other. And while Jackson protests how he is forced to run back and forth between the lovebirds, he learned a valuable lesson about not telling everyone everything you are thinking. Jesus Christ Jackson. GO RUN AN ERRAND.

Ok and now they are back in headquarters, doing the very important task of rescooping the ice cream for the root beer. THERE CAN BE NO MORE MISTAKES. Between these floats and Jessa’s ice cream sundae bar, I’m thinking that their only venue for rebellion. Well that and Jessa possibly having sex in a church. But you know, for the sake of tv, all the rebellion is dairy themed. Anyway, their minions scoop scoop and scoop away because baby, this Duggar machine gotta shine! And the wedding planner is ready to have a meltdown. And she has a walkie talkie so, you know she’s serious. Now there is a grooming montage and random Duggars Duggaring around, smiling and thinking about Jesus and shit. THE WEDDING IS TOTALLY HAPPENING GUISE.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)

Now they are back. Cake is being assembled. Awkward men are talking awkwardly to Derick asking how he feels about getting married. “Nervous?” And someone where in the back, Jackson is thinking, “WHAT THE FUCK? WHEN I ASKED ABOUT THIS SHIT YOU SENT ME ON ERRANDS but now that you are with your COOL ADULT FRIENDS, you are all talking about your feelings, like a jerk.”

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So they are talking about doing a “first look” because they don’t want to be all casual about the big reveal, being like “looking good” in the church. A first look is where Jill and Derick sets eyes, but not front hugs, on each other before they get married. And so right now first, a fully groomed Jill walks in and a sea of women in seafoam green coos. Her sisters give her hugs and Jana talks about how it is really happening with a slightly glazed look of someone who knows she is trapped. The little girls sit around and look amazed at her lacy train, while Josie feels overwhelmed and her eyes wander outside while she thinks of killing squirrels. And killing. And running in the wild, like she was destined.....

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Oh and look, there is cousin Amy. I didn’t know she was even in the wedding party. They haven’t mentioned her at all. Guess the courtships pushed her off the front page. Or maybe there are deeper rifts. I mean, there was this whole thing where she broke up with her boyfriend and then posted a whole bunch of tweets about how she’s going to do what she wants without judgment. She posted some tweet about not judging gay people. And this very unDuggarly sentiment on her instagram:

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I don’t know. Though I looked over at her twitter and she said this:

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This is a big waste of valuable air space that could be used by Jessa to discuss her makeup routine. Or Jana’s escape to the big city like Marlo Thomas on that Girl.

Anyway, there are more talking heads everyone being happy and shit. So repetitive. This was not two hours of material. And Jim Bob walks in and cries. And he’s been doing nothing but crying for weeks and weeks. Jesus Jim Bob, pull your shit together. (behind him, taking a selfie, was great Duggar friend, Jenni Hartoro and if I could find that picutre it would make my YEAR but alas, you will have to settle for this one.) And now Jim is all thinking that some day, many years in the future, he’ll be giving away Little Baby Josie, though Josie, at that moment, looked up, spit out a squirrel bone and laughed heartily.

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And Jim Bob is trying to be funny. He has taught his children to have a very low bar for comedy. I hope after marriage, Jill gets exposed to better jokes.

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Anyway, now it’s time for the first look. Beside the red church wall, Jill comes towards Derick, who has his back turned to her and the piano music plays. Derick is all shocked and awed by her beauty and passionately side hugs her THREE TIMES. That’s almost like a front hug. He wants to side hump her. He puts his chin on her head and you can tell that he wants to kiss her. He is talking over and over again how beautiful she is and how she’s glowing. And I’m exhausted. THIS IS SUCH A LONG EPISODE!

Ok and now everyone is talking about how special it is for them to have their first kiss on their wedding day, including Anna who waited and Jim Bob and Michelle, who decidedly didn’t wait. Jim Bob says it’s like waiting for Christmas to open up that Christmas gift. Just wait until the oral sex then it’ll REALLY feel like Christmas. Or Boxing Day. As it were.

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An hour and a half in and we’re finally at the wedding. GOD, JUST GET FUCKING MARRIED. Now they are assembling in and showing the guests and the guest book and they are talking about their feelings about being married. And there are hundreds of people, mostly in loose fitting flowered dresses and cardigans or dockers and polo shirts. Jill and Derick walk down the hall and vigorously wash their hands, which I thought was totally weird until he said he was going into the sanctuary to see his mom and hug her and such before the wedding. And they hug her as much as they can (likely have to be somewhat separate because of her compromised immune system) and Derick reflects that he hasn’t been able to be that physically close to his mom but that she’s very excited to be at the wedding.

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Now apparently it is really really really happening and Jana reflects on her mixed emotions, as she is losing her closest sibling and probably feeling more suffocated by the Duggarnaut than usual.

Jordyn is tearful and crying because of Jill’s marriage and Jim Bob comforts her,while not reflecting that Jordyn has held her shit far more together than he has in the last few months. But it’s sad, because she’s adorable and Jill has been one of her main caretakers. The older girls usually have a group of younger kids who are considered their buddy group and so Jill has been the one most responsible for her nurturance and guidance. But that’s over. Now, Michelle needs to step up. Or likely, Jana. Jordyn finally comes to her senses and is like “I don’t want Jill to get married” and Jennifer is probably thinking “FINALLY! NO SHIT. This patriarchal bullshit has got to end.” And then Josie thinks about that squirrel she caught the other day. She thinks of killing.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)

So Jim Bob interacts with Jill which means he is crying and shit. He’s sad to see one of his children move out of his area of influence. He just hopes and prays she doesn’t given into temptation and wears short sleeves or shows her knees, like a jezebel.

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So Jinger is talking about how everyone is crying, but her, which she thinks is strange. I mean, Joy Anna says she’s crying because Miss Kathy (Derick’s mother) was able to make it. They seem surprised that Jordyn is crying but, well, she’s 4. Jessa is likely crying because she’s thinking “God, I’m next.” Jana is crying because her freedom likely seems further and further away as she loses her best friend while her own life remains stagnant. Jinger? Jinger is just ready to party!

Now there is all this violin music and Jill is ready to enter the church and she is freaking out a little. Now the wedding begins with the bridal party entering the church and the little kids are holding their trays with “here comes the bride” spelled out. And now for the momentous occasion—Jill enters the church on a white carpet that is spooled out over a sea of brown crappy shit carpet.

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AND NOW THE WEDDING!

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There s a crap load of people with loud piano playing, provided by (I believe) Erin Bates. And there is some guy with a head piece in a megachurch in front of a huge crowd to let the world witness real Duggar love. When the minister asks who will give away this young lady, old yuckster, Jim Bob, is like “I am” and then laughs “I mean, her mother and I...HAHAHA.” Keep it together Jim Bob. It’s no time to crack. And everyone is totally freaking out because I think Jim Bob and Michelle were prepped for having a fucking load of kids—a baby factory, but the kids leaving? MADNESS.

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Now their ceremony with the Minister talking about respecting each other and then is like “Now is the time I’d tell the bride and groom to start holding hands but I don’t think they’ve quit holding hands since the day they became engaged.” Which is true and the passionate handholding they are engaging in now is the equivalent to drying humping for a normal couple. And everyone laughs and laughs and laughs. And then they exchange rings in the expected way. No jokes. Not even obvious Duggar ones. Lots of thees and thous. Very Biblical of them.

Now finally they are ready to light some unity candle and then they pray together on a little white alter. Everyone is in tears. Well, except for Jinger. She’s like “KICK ASS! ROOT BEER FLOATS” And then they tell Derick that he can kiss the bride and he just goes ape shit. Grabbing her, dipping her and I think he might have initially missed her face in his rush to start macking on her.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)
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But they are married! And they run down the aisle like motherfuckers because they admit that they can hang out without a chaperone and kiss. I mean, Jill snags her dress coming out of the church hall but Derick is like “LEAVE THAT HERE. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE DRESS. WE MUST GO. GO TO KISS AND FRONT HUG AND FRONT HUG AND FRONT HUG.” Some lady is holding her train and trying to untangle her microphone probably or something but she just doesn’t stop running. They say nothing to no one. No interviews. No greeting of family. JUST RUN AND RUN AND RUN.

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The rest of the couples leave and then dumb old Ben is all pissed that one of the groomsmen is walking Jessa down the aisle so he took over. Let that goddamn Groomsmen walk in HELL. Jessa is his lady. Plus Jill and Derick is already gone. I mean, fuck them. They are probably front hugging right now.

Derick talks about how he was happy to not have a chaperone. Michelle and Jim Bob, who seem a little freaked out, talk about how sweet it was that they had the same wedding bells (because they are in the same church) as Jim Bob and Michelle. Then Jana, Jinger and Joy Anna talk about crying like crazy, though Jinger continues to laugh at the weakness of her sisters, especially Joy, who’ll be stuck cooking everything. And now you get the rest of the talking heads and shit, being all happy and saying inane shit, as per usual.

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Then Ben says he’s looking forward to that moment where the minister says “You can kiss the bride”, which is funny because they totally didn’t kiss. He should have said, “That moment when you screw the bridge in the back of the church.” Now THAT”S what those kids were really thinking of but that’s not for the family hour! Then Jim Bob says that he doesn’t want to give Jessa away and she laughs and is like “You don’t want us to elope.”

Then they obsess about the first kiss and future kissing and shit. All of them. Jesus. Thank God I’m not a Duggar. Anna is like “Practice makes progress and progress makes babies.” If I ever got on television and made an allusion to my sister’s sex life, I think she’d kill me. It’s like they are so chaste but they always want to talk about sex. It’s like the worst of both worlds.

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Illustration for article titled Duggar Recap: Jills Wedding (COMPLETE!)

Now everyone is giving their advice to Jill and Derick, including John David, who is trying to be funny around her downsizing her recipes but.... he’s so slow in his delivery. Poor John David. He was born stoned. Now everyone is outside, eating snacks and shit when Derick carries Jill out of the church. They make a speech and cut the cake and she feeds him and licks his fingers and boy, the honeymoon isn’t coming too soon.

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And everyone talks about how much they’ll miss her, including Jim Bob who says that the house feels almost empty with a few children leaving and only 15 or 16 (especially if they are the kids that suck). And then they talk about them making babies and shit. The wedding planner is slowly unclenching her fists as they pass out the root beer floats. THE WEDDING WAS FLAWLESS. RAZZLE DAZZLE. RAZZLE DAZZLE.

Now they have Michael and McKenynzie talk about cake and there is like 4 minutes left. This is just filler. Yes, they ate white cake. Some kids had cupcakes. Other people had root beer floats. This is the level of detail we have come to expect.

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Btw, Jessa doesn’t like rootbeer and smirks. That precious precious smirk.

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(picture caption: #meathooks)

And Jill and Derick never got a rootbeer float but they were so jacked up, man, if they had more sugar they would have probably robbed a bank or watched a PG rated movie. And they were off into their black pickup truck, full of balloons with money on the dashboard, talking about having an awesome time.

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And Jim Bob? He was like 2 down, 17 to go!

WOOHOO! I think I’ll blog Jessa’s engagement episode next. LOOK FOR IT!!!! It’s a scavenger hunt and you know I love a caper!

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