Jill goes to Nepal to see if Derick could be the one! Love and colonialism all in one. It’s like very chaste version of Paul and Jane Bowles. Coming at 9PM. And how many time will they talk about saving their kiss for the wedding night? Maybe that’s the right one for a (non-)drinking game.

Opening credits: Ben and Jessa unenthusiastically talking about courting. Jessa smirking. Pickles. Everyone talking about how they are all thinking Ben is handsome, except for Jessa. Jill talks about wanting to bone to spiritually connect with Derick..

Jill and Jessa talk courtship. Michelle mothers non-infants. It’s total Gothardity! If that was a word.

Jill is packing for Nepal and she’s so excited to see her “special friend.” That’s what my mom called one of my friends when I came out to her and she was wondering if I was sleeping with her. It was ADORABLE. She’s so excited. I don’t think Jessa would travel 50 feet to try to get to meet Ben but Jill, across the world.

TLC: IT’S A TELEVISION SPECIAL.

So Derick is from Arkansas and he is in Nepal for a couple of years doing (Christian) humanitarian work. They have never gotten to know each other in person. He has been a prayer partner with her Dad. They would pray together. Derick was in for the long game. He knew there were four girls and if he want one of them, he’d need to get in good with the dad. He’d pray. He’d practice being gentle and non-offensive in order to full non-fundamentalists so he can evangelize. He’s like the Christian Eddie Haskell, because the original was obviously a heathen bastard.

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Anyway, Jim Bob thought that Jill would like him and so he totally set him up. JIM WAS SMITTEN. Michelle thought it was cool. I mean, she has opinions too. Right guys.

JESSA TOTALLY DISSES JILL—I LOVE IT. She—who worried about them being mean to ERIN by giving her cookbooks to talk about her lack of cooking abilities— starts rolling her eyes and speaking in a falsetto saying, “Guys, guys, he’s the sweetest guy ever. ....he’s the sweetest guy ever. Do you know what he says to me? Read this. Read this text? And then makes some sounds.” Jinger is all like “Yeah, she nailed it.”

They are totally talking shit about Jill.

Jill is all excited though. Jessa feigns excitement as well but who is she fooling? I mean, you can say you are excited for her on camera but we all know. WE ALL KNOW.

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Jill says that meeting him across the world is “nuts” but that doesn’t stop those pickle eating Duggars. Now Jim is worried about Jill getting hurt but meeting her potential husband is an important part of the process—way to be progressive Jim Bob. You should have left her at home if you really want her to be a good Christian woman and not encourage that free will kind of stuff. BUT if it doesn’t work out, they will have a nice vacation in Katmandu, probably talking to a bunch of Buddhists about Jesus. Huzzah!

And they are often. Jennifer hugs Jill. She is probably thinking that this relationship will be bullshit too. And probably she’s right. And Michelle is glad that Jim Bob is going because as God’s emissary on earth, he will be the one to decide if he’s okay and then give her away to another man. And they wouldn’t to send her alone. No indeed. They might hold hands. Like harlots.

Jill is giggling about the whole thing. I am smirking like Jessa. We’re all smirking like Jessa. They fly for 36 hours from Chicago to Qatar to Nepal. I mean, fucking Chicago to Qatar. How fuel does that plane have? And in Qatar, Jill is curling her hair, Gotharding it up to its fullest Godly extent. She’s so excited. SHE’S SO TIRED. And then they arrive and there are all these mountains and shit. Jill is using a camera on the plane, probably making all the flight attendants resentful.

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COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Everyone seems all excited for Jill, except for Jennifer who is kind of like “I don’t get it” and Jana, who is dying inside. Oh and John David, who is like “marriage is for girls” and then he goes to fix his truck or live his secret life or do whatever he does. They think it’s pretty weird. I get that. When I told my sister that I had friends on the internet, she told me I was weird too. Weird. Totally weird. Jim Bob is weird too. He prays with strangers. You are weird too, just for reading this.

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So, Jill steps out off the plane, all excited to see Derick. And she sees him and he’s all like JILL and they run into each other’s arms. To have a side hug. A Christian side hug. And then Jim side hugs. We should all side hug. Derick bought Jill flowers and if Jessa was there, she’d be smirking the SHIT out of her face.

Welcome to Nepal!!! Derick has a beard because he’s been hiking for 25 days. There is all this awkward touching thing—where he tries to touch her back gently and then she moves away and then Jim looks concerned. I don’t know if you realize but Derrick is a muggle. His mom wears pants and has short hair. He has a step dad. He went to college. He’s Christian but he’s not Duggar Christian, which is fascinating.

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Jim Bob is fiercely judging. They get into this red SUV and we discover that in Nepal, they drive on the left hand side, like in England (I didn’t know that). Derick is 24 and went to Oklahoma City University to study accounting and then went to Nepal. He speaks “survival Nepali” and he’s all excited about Jill being here. He’s so pleasant.

They are freaked out and weirded out for being together. Jill is like “I’m crazy” and her inner Jessa is like “WE KNOW.” Derick is cool about the driving because he’s been there for two years and is used to it being somewhat chaotic. Jim is terrified and wishing he packed extra underwear. HELP ME JEBUS.

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Back from Commercial: Life GOES ON. Johannah and Jackson note that all their mom does is cook eggs and eggs. I wonder if that is an insult. Michelle is like “Well, all the kids get food.” So yeah, stop bitching that you don’t get a custom breakfast. Josie is pissed. Michelle tells her that she needs to talk sweet (Gothard Alert) and that the world doesn’t revolve around Josie.

YOU’D NEVER KNOW IT FROM THE EDITING OF THE SHOW, RIGHT JORDYN. I mean, I don’t want to insult a 3 year old but come on Josie.

Or rather, Michelle, we know that.

Michelle is disciplining and training her sinful kid to take turns. Josie is like “That’s bullshit. I’m the money maker in the family.” Jennifer says something but that doesn’t matter. Anyway, Michelle parented without the older girls’ help, which is good because she needs to get ready for no more new babies and losing some of your childcare to marriage. The GRAVY TRAIN IS OVER, MICHELLE. You need to get used to your kids like the old socks that they are.

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So now in Kathmandu, with all that Nepali music. They think it is cool and he shows them a World Heritage Site called Bhaktapur, an ancient city (I’ve been to a few World Heritage Sites. I feel like I’m included too!). They are all excited and shit. They are photographing and Jim feels like a third wheel. Staying far away but not so far that they start fornicating. They go around to an outdoor market and stuff. Jill reiterates that they have a chaperone to keep everything safe and make sure they have a witness to ensure purity. Because years and years of TRAINING isn’t enough for them to not rip off their gloves and start passionately holding hands and shit.

Derick talks about how he has been converted to the whole Duggar’s way of relationship because they aren’t “tied physically”—though the engagement is PLENTY short, so let’s just say that they aren’t against being tied physically. Plus, it’s not like he has a choice. He’s probably just bowing to inevitability. Its the Duggarnaut. There is no use fighting it.

They see an lovey Nepalese engaged couple and take a picture with them, as they pose against a temple. Derick lifts up Jill by her hand.

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HER HAND.

That’s the Devil’s Playground. The couple is all cute. Derick is super excited about meeting Jill. That couple thinks they are weird. They smirk like Jessa. I smirk in agreement. We all smirk.

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All the kids are talking about Jill having a good servants heart and so does he. Jessa says he’s a “GREAT MATCH” in the most smirky way. Jana seems depressed. The boys are just like “Why the fuck are you asking me?”

MONTAGE OF NEPALESE LIFE

Derick tries to get Jill some traditional Newari clothing. Derick just drops her off by herself so he Dan go buy man clothes with Jim Bob and she’s all freaked out but the lady speaks English and starts wrapping her in some clothing. Derick gets Jim Bob a nice shirt. Jim Bob starts asking for an extra large shirt, patting his stomach and saying “Grande” like he’s at Starbucks or speaking fake Spanish. He also talks about how Derick isn’t as thin as he looks. Totally fat shaming him and laughing as he struggles to find pants that fit. Jim Bob is just a major problem on this trip.

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They compare each other and are all impressed with Jill’s new outfit. They are ADORABLE together. I die. I DIE. I want to marry them and we live in a Poly-amorous union forever.

Back to Nepal and food: Derick says there are lots of touristy places but he likes more local places. It’s a lovely rooftop setting pictured above. And the food looks so full of nom I could die. Jill is saying “at this point of the trip, I still am getting to know him” but really she’s thinking “LET’S GET ENGAGED NOW.” Derick awkwardly is crushing on Jill. They aren’t sure if they like each other, despite the television special and the 8000 mile trip. I’m like REALLY? REALLY? JUST FUCK GUYS.

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But God has to will it. Fuck God is such a cock blocker.

But they are optimistic. Totally optimistic. And then they get foods. It looks like a mimosa or something. Jim starts complaining and wants to become a vegetarian. Jill is like “JUST EAT IT JERK” and she’s right. I mean, lighten up dude. Eat the fucking food. And he’s okay with it. Derick and Jill are happy about things that they can try, except for sex, but that’s for their wedding night. But they can try food and hang out in Kathmandu. Not like Jim who is afraid of a fucking dumpling. Cut to some talking heads of Jill and Derick who are all like indecisive and stuff about whether they’ll get together. And then they cut to a scene where Derick puts his arm around Jill and Jim Bob grabs and pulls her away. WHAT ANTICIPATION. We all know they are getting married. They should have handled the press better around this story. It really screws with the whole narrative.

Dude, thank God for the short engagement. Let me say that. For the both of them.

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Jessa is now talking about how WONDERFUL Ben is. She’s chilling with her mom and talking about the courtship. They are at Mama Carmen’s, the site of all their Christian coffee needs, as per usual. She talks about how her courtship has been “good” and they see each other every other weekend. She talks about missing him but it’s not convincing. Jessa says he’s “superemotional” (ie. total wuss) and “I’m kinda not” (total badass). She’s “cut and dry” and he’s always texting sweet things to her, “Like I’d give all the flowers in all the gardens to you” and she’s like “Um, have fun with that.” Jill gets pissed at her and thinks she’s horrible. Jessa thinks Jill is too much. Michelle thinks that Jessa should be all more encouraging and gushing and sweet. Jessa just smiles and is like “I’m learnin’ I’m learnin’” —she’s not learning. Michelle tells her she needs to learn to express her love language that he needs. He needs to learn to smirk too.

Michelle looks uncomfortable about the fact that there are no babies and now she’s talking courtships. Jessa asks her how she feels and she admits that she’s ok and enjoying her adult kids. Whereas secretly she’s probably dying inside and thinking “WTF?” And she wonders if there are more to come. MICHELLE, YOU ARE 47. JIM BOB ISN’T Methuselah. YOU AREN’T GOING TO HAVE MORE KIDS. Anyway, Jessa calls Michelle one of her closest friends and I’m like “barf.”

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Back to Nepal: Derick introduces her to a painter he knows to look at paintings. Derick asks to talk to Jim Bob and they go outside, leaving Jill to awkwardly talk to the painting lady. WHY CAN’T YOU DO THIS AT HOME? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LEAVING JILL IN RANDOM STORES? Hey you are ladies. Go ahead, talk about lady things.

Now Derick says he REALLY likes Jill. He looks like he is about to hyperventilate and asks about courting Jill. Jim Bob looks vaguely freaked out. Says this is the first time—not like when Josh asked but this is the first time one of his daughters have gone through a courtship.

OH YEAH, there is also Jessa but fuck her.

And there is a pregnant pause. Jill likes him. Jim looks hesitant but says if Jill is cool with it so is Jim Bob and Michelle. They side hug. But I’m sure that’ll come up in the next episode.

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And next time, more Nepal, courtship, Jinger does housework, Jim Bob feeds a monkey and probably somewhere, there are pickles. So many pickles.