Tonight: Derick is nervous to talk to Jim Bob. Josh smirks. Pickles are eaten. Jana's heart slowly dies as she transforms into the Grinch. She hides away and forever, her little Grinchy heart curses the happy little Duggar town.

Open up on a bucolic scene with Christian approved acoustic guitar. Jill talks about how they are courting and in lurve. Pictures of them eating sugary cakes and milkshakes and posters with candybars are shown. Since they can't front hug, they sublimate their lust into food eating. And Jill will eat all the whip cream she can. She talks about their dates and going out with friends and being a wonderful couple.

Derick talks about spending time in a typically awkward way but endearingly awkward, not like "nails on chalkboard" Ben Seewald. HE'S SO BORING. You do nothing but talk about BULLSHIT. God, Ben. Shut up, Ben.

Anyway, Derick though stops by and Jim Bob is hanging out with the little girls. The little girls flash a look like "You wanna step up to me?" But then before Josie could bite his leg like a tiny wolverine, Jim Bob and Derick go and talk about their feelings.

Jim Bob talks about "waiting for this moment" where Derick would want to talk to him. Just to him.


Derick removes his jacket.


And then he stutters through asking Jim Bob's hand in marriage and Jim Bob stares off into space, his eyes slightly unfocused. He begins to sigh heavily.



Derick begins to breathe hard, "I'm really nervous right now."

Jim Bob continues to stare off in front of him. How would Derick provide for her? Damnit, Jim Bob, no romance, no romance at all. Derick does have a job. He's an accountant.


Jim Bob begins to stare off again and hesitate. His mouth quivering.

Derick trembles just a bit.

Jim Bob sighs heavily. Jim Bob says that he "really loves" Derick and tells him that he really is the one destined for Jill.


Derick has what the french call "a tiny death" and he shakes Jim Bob's hand, as they both pray. Saying, "Oh God, repeatedly." And Derick is thrilled because he knew. He always knew.

Michelle says that she knew that Jill and Derick—because they are older, would get engaged first. Yes, older and they like each other more. So does Jim. But gotta explain that whole thing away, why Jill was ready to front hug him FOREVER and Jessa is like "Yeah, Sure, Ben" to his advances.

But the proposal has to wait because they are on a book tour in New York City.

"Us older girls" are doing a book tour with that great grammar and they are first going to Good Morning America and then they will go across America. The girls are with the entire family. They keep talking about their last trip as a family.


Their last book tour as a family.

Their last dinner theater as a family.

Their last pickle making junket as a family.

Damnit, the girls are getting married. Not dying. Except for Jana's hopes.

The Duggars shared 4 rooms, which included Josh and Anna and the kids, which means about 6.2 Duggars per room and one of the children was vomiting. Michael, Josh's older son is shown vomiting in the toilet. Now all the Duggars begin to freak out that not only will they have a vomiting child, but this sickness will become a Duggar Epidemic or a Duggardemic, as it were. Jessa thinks it's bullshit. Drop the kids off with Ben! No, they decide to leave Anna there with the kids. Jim Bob volunteered her. Thanks Jim Bob.


And it wasn't a full blown Duggardemic, just a little bit of a crisis and then they could continue on their bus tour, like a very large and religious Partridge Family or a cult. And they are going down Times Square and they are all excited about Good Morning America to be interviewed. They smile and think about how all the hosts and the audience will likely burn in the fiery pits of hell.

Michelle said that they were inspired by all the wonderful letters the girls received asking the girls for advice around relationships. And all the courtships could not be a somewhat cynical tie-in to the book launch. Oh no. They talk about their talking points about how to be deep in relationships and shit. Finding a man to be a good husband and not a jerk. Blah Blah blah.


Now commercial break.

Now we're back and look, they just happen to be walking past a bridal shop. None of this seems contrived at all. They were bonding with moms and daughters.

Now once again, the differences stand out.

Jessa makes some half-hearted case that she misses Ben. She won't see him for a whole month. Oh Poor Jessa. And Jinger smiles cryptically. She says she's really, really sad.


Joy Anna and Jana note that they haven't been dating very LONG but.. well. Yeah. They were a little appalled.

Jill is talking to this husky voiced European saleswoman and Jill is super-excited to try on wedding gowns. Jill wants a princess ball gown whereas Jessa said she wants something sort of not too poofy but not really straight. But she won't try on a dress—not until he puts a ring on it because "what's the use?"And maybe after she squishes down all her regret into the far recesses of her brain, where she thinks about all her other abandoned dreams. Jessa—you could have been a fashion designer or done hair but instead you got homeschooling and Ben, the jerk. I'll get married. What's the use in resisting?

Jill feels a bit weird about trying it on her own but goes and tries on a few dresses despite her feelings about how immodest they are. They show elbow. They suggest KNEE.Jill sighs over her reflection in the veil and dreams of wedding bells.


Back in Arkansas: Derick shares his plans to conquer his lady-faire through strategery and romance-making. His young monotone voice shows his excitement. He spent all morning front hugging in the mirror so he's ready for the cameras. He knows a songwriter who writes music and will be looking for him to write a song to tell their story.He is very nervous but you know, if we are watching it, there is a good ending. The Duggars aren't fans of cringe. But still. Tee-hee.

We're back!

Now they are on their first stop on their book tour, beautiful Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Now, I've never heard anything good about that town. Literally. I think that Harrisburg and York are the two cities in PA that no one likes at all. I had a client admit to becoming an alcoholic because of Harrisburg. It ruins lives.


But here are the Duggars!

They come through like a Duggar train. John David and Josiah somewhat smirkily discuss the book being "All about Relationships" "my favorite." Of course, with John David, if he wrote a book, it'd be about 3 pages long and full of awkward pauses and secrets.

Anyway, the conquering heroes go into the bookstore. The girls feel somewhat nervous but are very gracious when meeting the fans. Why wasn't I there? It was only an hour away? I could have been there! I could have been there guys!


Well, in the middle of the book signing, Derick calls us Jill to awkwardly ask for a date. A lunch date. He doesn't know when but a date. And that is no way about building a narrative. It's all so spontaneous. Derick seems sort of confused about the details. Jill just giggles. She knows about production. She knows. Plus, she wants to screw Derick and any conversation that get she closer to that goal is welcome.

Now back in Arkansas: Derick's pants wearing mom comes with him to pick out the ring. They choose a simple diamond ring. Jill is an 8.5 size. I don't know if that means she has sausage fingers. I have very long fingers. Very long. I wonder what that means? And anyway, Derick gets his ring and they are off to the races!


Back in Arkansas: Derick is a bit flustered. He remembers looking at the rain and thinking about marrying her. Blame it on the rain. Anyway, he wants to fool her but he accurately admits that he screwed himself by getting engaged to the smartest Duggar. She's nobody's fool. She's Sally Field to his slightly bland Burt Reynold's in a Christian version of Smokey and the Bandit (and it's follow up, Every which way but Secular and Sinful). But he's excited—he figures she knows. I mean, he's a little flustered so like that is kind of a detector right there. Twitches per minute.

He talks about how when he was in Nepal, he wouldn't wash for weeks but now that he's gonna be a married man, he's fixing himself up for her! He has no gel and he's trying to spray his hair with the stuff that Jill gave him. It's Aussie instant freeze. Duggar approved!

His mother is being helpful and supportive and trying to coach him in sort of a helpful way around where to store the ring. Now, then Derick made me laugh.


He's all like "I know you are going to propose because you'll have a big bulge in your pocket."

And they laugh.

A big bulge in your pocket.

Snerk, I'm 12.

Anyway, they keep ti clean and he hides it in his suit jacket. Then his mom asks him about getting down on his knee. (sneerrk) And she begins to laugh and Derick is all twitchy and stuff. He's giving us the basics of the proposal—"as a guy, you gotta be the one to ask and the girl... and that's the chance you have to take." Damn, he's 25. What's up with the way that people talk? I don't mean to be judgy but I would not put up with this childish misuse of language under my watch. Not under my watch.


Anyway, he keeps dropping stuff as his mother looks on supportively, as she nervously stands in her practical slacks and imagines him becoming part of a right wing religious television franchise. Every mom's dream.

So Jessa is primping up Jill as her domain appears to be eyeliner. And Derick arrives and they have a passionate side hug with a little front hand action. Those crazy kids. They better get married. It's getting out of hand.

Jana and Joy are to be chaperones. Joy, because she idolizes her sister and Jana, because she's dying inside. (Plus like Jinger and Jessa—Jill and Jana have been partnered up and I'm guessing once Jill is married, it'll be Joy and Jana). So the other girls go out in their jean skirts and Jill looks enchanting in white.


Now we're back.

So Jill and Derick go on the lunch date along with Joy and Jana and then the Jill proceeds to remind us that the chaperones keep them pure while they date with a purpose for Jesus. We got it. GOT IT.


Derick orders a salad and Jana mocks him for not being manly. Haha, Derick eats like a girl.

And Joy says she's happy to be part of it because "it's a once in a lifetime deal unless she says no." Shade. SHADE. Jennifer was probably giving her pointers (tell them that marriage is BULLSHIT!).

The place itself looks weird. There is a large shiny teal curtain behind them instead of a window, like they are hiding the rest of the restaurant. The table looks too much like it was purchased for a schoolhouse. It's like a weird Duggar dinner theater. And Derick nervously talks about chaperones and they all talk about how nervous he is. Hee hee.


Then they walked over to a local park as Derick got ready for romance. He's trying to be cool, he says, but he's completely failing. Of course. He looks distractedly. Jill is all bunched up near him, wanting to front hug.

There is some random guy with an acoustic guitar who says "You all remind me of a song I wrote, you want to hear it?" And he looks all scruffy, like a heathen or a non-Santorum Catholic. He begins to sing as she leans in and smiles because the guy mentioned Jesus and now it feels okay. It's good Jesus music and not the sinful Godless music like DC Talk or Jars of Clay or whatever shit Derick probably has in his CD player.

So Derick begins to propose to her. And he wants to "serve God with her" and asked her to marry him and she's like "TOTALLY." And she laughs and he laughs and they feel angry that they cannot copulate immediately.


Back from Commercial:

Right away. BAM. Derick proposes to right away. Jill is totally thrilled and Jana and Joy are there, all up in their junk to make sure there is no kissing. But you know what engagement means?


They can HAND HOLD. So hot.

Jill was all touched by the special song that they wrote and now that is "their song" which is good because it's slow and they aren't supposed to dance like jezebels. And so Derick and Jill go and call their Moms. Now I haven't seen Derick mention his Dad. I'm not sure what that means—maybe like so many things in the Duggar world, certain unseemly things go unspoken.

So Jill is all excited and everyone goes to the Duggar house—I assume even Derick's family. The girls in the back seemed worried but you know, Derick knows what side his bread is buttered and had already asked. Now they can spend time with long sexual sweaty handholding. Oh so sweet. SO SWEET.


So they return and everyone is all happy because they noticed the sexual handholding and the engagement is announced.

POTENTIAL SPIN-OFF, GUYS. And not of jerky Josh and his potato head. But shiny Jill. Shiny, shiny Jill. And all the girls gather around and ooh and aah over the ring. Except Jennifer. Jennifer was like "This is bullshit."

And then Jessa mocked her family for pretending to be surprised. Got to get in some of that smirking quota.


So then Derick's mom and Michelle get all huggy and talk about how they both like Jesus (the camera cuts to Anna, who is staring open-mouthed—catching flies, Anna?). And everyone laughs and cues. Derick's mom is all happy to have a daughter—Derick apparently has no sisters (maybe a brother for Jana?).

And everyone is all thrilled and shit. She is ready for marriage but not for the wedding. Holy crap. Anna is like "Dudes, you can totally have a short engagement. Just turn this shit out." But in Duggar language.

Jana expressed mixed feelings of joy and sadness. Jessa was kind of sarcastic. And then everyone prayed and listened to off-tune piano playing. And that pretty much sums up the Duggar experience.


Then Jinger made some smirky comment about Jessa not having a ring.

Josh postulates and I just black out in boredom. They ask the little girls about why Derick is good and Jordyn is most into him. Jennifer just sorts of looks away and says vague complements. Josie eats her hands. Josie is the Greek Chorus here.

Then everyone is all thrilled and bonding and talking about new seasons and shit. Then there is a music montage. And side hugging. And more than side hugging.


Next Week: A Two Hour Duggar Event: Holy shit, that's a lot of writing. Oh crap. It's an Amy Duggar spin-off event. Shit, the sacrifices I make for the Duggars.